Men and Women are Different

IMG_2510Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!

For your love is better than wine;

your anointing oils are fragrant;

your name is oil poured out;

therefore virgins love you.

Draw me after you; let us run.

The king has brought me into his chambers. (Song of Solomon 1:2-4a ESV)

A Difference

The world says that men and women are essentially the same and that women can do anything a man can do – only better. This may or may not be true but when it comes to sexual desire and perspective the Bible tells us that men and women are different.

Husband, this may come as news to you, but your wife does not think about sex the same way you do. And the more you try to get her to think about sex the way you do, well, let’s just say it won’t help. And wife, your husband does not think about sex the way you do either.

For example, in Proverbs we get a man’s perspective, “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:19b previous post). This verse encourages sexual intoxication and desire in a husband. God has gifted men with an indiscriminately strong sex drive. Now hopefully social pressures, and for the Christian man, the Holy Spirit, mitigate their wild sexual desires or they may end up in another #MeToo story.

The Difference

These two verses, Proverbs 5:19b and Song of Songs 1:1-4, give us insight into the different perspective of sex and desire between men and women. Notice both find sex intoxicating but the man is drunk with desire while the woman is intoxicated with being desired, “For your love is better than wine”. She reinforces this idea of being intoxicated with being deeply desired:

“Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth”

“Draw me after you, let us run”

“The king has brought me into his chambers”.

She is intoxicated with the intoxicating passion of her lover and his intense desire for her and her alone. This is not to say she doesn’t also feel a strong sexual feelings but she looks at the relationship from a different point of view.

They both love sexual intimacy but the man is overcome with desire while the woman is overcome with being desired. But the goal is the same. The path is different. God created man and woman, husband and wife, to complement one another – desire and being desired. There may be the occasional overlap and reversal in a marriage from time to time, but generally, men and women differ on sexual desire and perspective.

A Complicated Sexual Dance

Of course, we are looking at a young couple where the passion is rich and unreserved. One thing to keep in mind though is that as a marriage matures the sexual desires seems to merge; that is, the differences are less pronounced. We think particularly of Sarah who laughed at the prospect of sexual “pleasure” at her advanced age of 90 or so. (See Genesis 18:12)

Marriage is a complicated sexual dance and the longer a marriage goes on the greater chance of a misstep. We suspect one of the major problems in a lack of sexual desire is unforgiveness. Unforgiveness leads to resentment and bitterness and the death of desire or being desired. Sexual intimacy is complicated enough without adding unforgiveness. Beware of missteps. Forgive quickly.

The Ideal Marriage

However, our young bride is living the ideal marriage in our love poem. She delights in being desired and values her lover supremely. She can’t wait to consummate their relationship and delights in her husband’s passion for her. As her marriage progresses we would encourage her to beware of snares and obstacles along the way that could get in the way of sexual desire. But for now she is enraptured with passion and waiting for her lover’s kisses.

Bible Thought: Beware of snares and obstacles that could undermine desire and being desired. Forgive quickly.

Prayer: Father, help me to understand the view my spouse has of sexual intimacy. Help me to remove all obstacles that would hinder sexual intimacy in our marriage. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

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Just do it,

Rene & Gloria

The Death of Sex

pexels-photo-672802.jpeg

Let your fountain be blessed,

    and rejoice in the wife of your youth,

    a lovely deer, a graceful doe.

Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;

    be intoxicated always in her love. (Proverbs 5:15-19 ESV)

Cyber World

U.S. Marriage Rate Hits New Low and May Continue to Decline

The U.S. Fertility Rate Just Hit a Historic Low. Why Some Demographers are Freaking Out

Americans are Having Sex Less Often, New Study Shows

There’s a connection between fewer marriages, fewer babies, and less sex. We’re not sociologists but you don’t have to be one to see sex is heading in the wrong direction. The good news is we’re still having sex, the bad news is the future of sex, as we know it, does not look bright.

In Japan, the most digitally immersed society on the planet, there is phenomenon called The Celibacy Syndrome where young people are opting out of sex altogether and one of the reasons is the easy access to porn. The limited data is inconclusive but the decline in marriages, births, and sex are not. The government admits this could be catastrophic as the population continues to dwindle.

What’s going on? We don’t pretend to know fully but we suspect the further we get from the physical world the less physical we will get with each other.

Physical World

The verse above, “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight” is hyperbole for the purpose of making a point. The biblical author understood the physical nature of marriage. He wanted to tell his son the only way to avoid sexual temptation – get physical with your wife. As we saw in a previous post this is for husbands and wives alike.

The original audience, both husbands and wives, got the point because they lived in a physical world devoid of digital technology, social media, sedentary jobs, and the stress of modern life.

Their lives consisted of physical activities: animal husbandry, gardening, craftsmanship, hunting and gathering for their daily sustenance. They housed their goats and sheep during the cold months in stables adjacent to their living spaces.

They witnessed the animals mating, defecating, and dying. Their loved ones died in their homes and not in a sanitized hospital. In other words, they lived in the real world, a physical world, a messy world – imperfect but gloriously physical.

They understood the physical nature of life and marriage. Life was physical, marriage was physical. They didn’t Google how to have a great sex life. They just did it.

The further we get from the real, physical world, the less physical sex becomes. Our screens become the substitute reality. Our relationships become “online” while we still live “offline”.

Bible Thought: The further we get from the physical world, the less physical we will get with each other.

Prayer: Father, help me make our marriage more physical more often, reflecting our spiritual oneness in Christ more fully. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Just do it,

Rene & Gloria

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Intoxication

14417183 - art tree beautiful for your design

Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,

    a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
(Proverbs 5:18,19 ESV Emphasis added)

There’s is nothing more intoxicating in this life than the anticipation of sex with the one you love. The only thing better is the actual sex. Before you object, think about it. This is just like the God we love and serve. He gave us one another to enjoy and “delight” in. He established marriage to fulfill our longing for excitement, adventure, and intoxication.

Yes, God built into us a need to be “intoxicated”, to get out of the mundane and into a special place, away from it all. His idea was that this place of intoxication would be married sex, a reprieve from the numbing ordinariness of life.

We, of course, like every other gift of God, twist it, turn it, and make it into something else. We fill the need for intoxication with drink, diamonds, pizza, video games, and so much more. God says sex is the best intoxicating experience of your life.

If you look up “intoxicated” or “drunk” in the Bible, the only good references are to sex. Those drunk with anything else, like wine, do not fare well.

You might look at our passage and say that it’s only for the husband. What about the wife? The wife is to get intoxicated also, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine;” (Song of Solomon 1:2 ESV) or “Eat, friends, drink, and be drunk with love!” (5:1b)

God wants your spouse to be the most exciting person in the world to you. We understand that “familiarity breeds contempt” and the spouse of your youth may have faded over the years. But God tells us that this does not need to be the case. The Bible tells us to be intoxicated with the wife or husband of our youth. Our intoxicating love does not need to fade. It’s our choice.

Bible Thought: Married sex with the spouse of your youth should continue to be intoxicating as the years go by.

Prayer: Father, help me to overcome my familiarity with my spouse and once again become intoxicated with their love. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

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