How to Talk about You Know What
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. (1 Corinthians 7:3 ESV)
This post is a little different than the others. Our blog is exclusively about what the Bible says about married sex. But as we’re talking more and more about our blog to people we realize that couples simply aren’t talking about sex in their marriage – at all! This is alarming to us so we thought we would suggests a few questions to get the conversation started. Chances are that if you’re not talking about sex, you’re not doing it very often either.
There are many reasons why married couples don’t talk about sex very often.
We imagine for the wife it’s an uncomfortable topic of conversation because they either know, or suspect, their husbands want more sex than they’re getting. They’d rather not take the blame for the infrequency – again. This causes angst and guilt which leads to feeling badly about themselves or their husband or both.
Also, women, especially in our Christian culture, have been taught since childhood that sex is bad before marriage and the implication is that it’s not much better after marriage. In addition, past conversations with their husbands about sex never ended well and this adds to the reluctance to talk. But for whatever reason there seems to be a loud silence in many marriages.
The fact that the most intimate relationship there is in life, wife and husband, can’t talk about their most intimate time together is sad. Heartbreaking really.
We imagine for the husband, he knows that he’ll either come across as oversexed or worse, a predator, always demanding sex. For the Christian man, this also reveals how unspiritual he is being concerned about the things of the “flesh”. And we all know the flesh is evil; therefore, sex becomes a “necessary evil”. A necessary evil is never good.
It’s a shame that more wives and husbands don’t talk about sex. In a recent Pew survey, the number one reason to get married was “love” (88%). When Pew Research Center asked what makes a successful marriage, a close second to “shared interests” (64%), was a “satisfying sex life” (61%). This suggests that we get married for “love” and then after we’re married for a while we realize that a “satisfying sex life” is one of the major reasons we stay together.
As we said, there are many reasons including everything from past abuse to past promiscuity as reasons not to talk about sex. Sex is an uncomfortable topic and it can get emotional quickly. However, we believe that it’s worth the risk.
Below are five open-ended, non-threatening (mostly), questions that are based on 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. Our prayer is that these will be just the beginning of a on-going conversation about sex in your marriage. The more you talk about sex, the easier it will be to talk about sex.
Ask each other:
- Before we were married, what role did you think sex would play in our marriage?
- Now that we’re married, has your view changed?
- Is sexual temptation something you experience? How often? What form does it usually take? How can I help?
- What pops out at you from 1 Corinthians 7:1-5? Why?
- What does our sex life look like for you in the future? In the next year? In the next 5 years?
We encourage you to push past your fears and talk about, well, you know what, with your spouse, the one you married and promised to love and cherish.
Bible Thought: God is not afraid to talk about sex. In fact, he dedicates an entire book to it to highlight the importance of sex in marriage.
Prayer: Father, help me not to be embarrassed to talk about sex with my spouse. Help us to open and free to talk with each other about sex. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
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Just do it,
Rene & Gloria